For some reason today has been particularly hard. I dreamed i was prego with zach's baby and that i didn't really care and i kept swimming in water that could hurt the baby.
I have thought of a million reasons to call him. and none of them seem good or seem like a reason to break No contact. I feel like he would have called or emailed me or texted me by now if he had wanted to say sorry or even talk about what happened. And god knows it would only hurt me to hear his voice, see his words and not be able to fix us. Thats all i tried to do was fix things from the start. i would really like to just be okay today. I would like to go to work happy. But i don't think that is going to happen. I think what set off this sudden missing him was the fact that i did what my thearpist said and i picked two pictures one of him i liked one of him i didn't and i listed all the things i disliked about him and all the things i liked. I had very long lists on both sides and just staring at the picture of him and his smile made me smile. It didn't make me sad. And it made me think he was happier without me, becasue he choose to leave. And its true i can guarantee he is happier because no one is pushing him, he has no pressure. He was able to get a car for himself. Not for us. I just don't think he was ready for an us. at all really.
Its like i go through this break up in stages. First im 100% fucking sad and feel like im dying, then im 70% okay, then im 30% wanting him back, then im crying, then im smiling, then im saying wtf would you want him back for? Then im looking at new guys then im being reminded how much i miss him,
I call on the world to give me strength and let what must happen happen.
I did the best with what i was given. I tried 100%. I really did. and for that i felt he didn't give me his 100%. I deserve that from someone, i deserve 100% for me to my self. I will try 100% to become a more healthy and self loving person. And i will find what im looking for.
