Seven Birds Soar

The urge to be sexual has been also pushing through the past few days. I guess sometimes i revert out of my thinking mode and into primal mode where all i want to do is eat, fuck and live simply.

I have the next two days off. I am going to bum around wesport and Jerusalem cafe with the girls tomorrow afternoon and then thursday im staying the night watching movies with Laura. Im excited to be getting closer to her.

Rachael thinks this needs to be a summer of "me" and i agree. I realize the urge to find a bf is strong and the urge to want to have sex is strong and i could easily be fuck buddies with kyle but i just need to focus on whats best for me. Which isn't becoming physically attached to someone..... also usually i end up liking the guy which wouldn't work in this situation...so im stuck.

its okay. sex isn't everything. love is. but thats two separate things at this point and it doesn't seem love is coming any time soon.

I have been very urge driven lately. The urge to consume the past two days has been crazy. I just want to stuff my face and it makes no sense. maybe im gonna bleed. I GOTTA sign up for the gym until belly dancing starts in june. I miss working out and i miss feeling healthy. Here i am telling people im healthy yet im eatting at midnight after work and not working out all week :/

The urge to peep at zachari has been strong this week. Im not sure why there either. maybe its because i feel like there is NO way in hell he is having this much trouble finding people to date. I mean srsly i have been on 7 dates with 7 different dudes and the only one i actually liked is WRONG.


I will ignore the urge and just go to bed. I did eat like i said i wasn't going to. Im not hungry im just flipping used to eatting after work now.

Tomorrow work is gonna suck. TONS or arrivals.

I have become angry with my space. I am too cramped here in my room. I honestly don't want to leave yet but i feel cramped and uncomfortable. I need new sheets. I need to figure out how to organize my space better so i can access all my things are still be comfortable. Its just like little piles everywhere because my bed takes up literally more than half my room. I could turn it side ways maybe. that might save me some space that could be utilized differently. I just have all my painting supplies, my djembe, my school shit and all my books everywhere.


My aunt said something today that struck home to me. It scared me because i didn't realize it until she pointed it out. I was telling her about my bellydancing and djembe and how im going to learn either guitar or take vocal lessons and i told her my belly dancing costume will be for renfest and she was like "getting ready to see zachari?" and it hit me. I am not meaning to but im adopting a lot of things he enjoyed. I honestly loved drums and wanted to play as a kid but never had the guts or time to get into it until after the fire and after i started focusing on me. As a 5 year old i asked Santa for drums and never got them. Now im my Santa and i will play if i want. I love belly dancing and i can't wait for my class to start. This is another hobby i have always thought was cool indian culture is pretty awesome. Belly dancing, palm reading...etc. I like all that shit. And singing and guitar: i always loved to sing. But i just recently got into recording myself and perfecting songs. Im sorry me and zachari never did this together. it would have been a big bonding factor.

I just can't limit my self on what i want to do because of what other people think.

I won't question it. My new found hobbies and my new found courage to be self seeking sometimes is in control and helping me grow.

Tomorrow i meet sarah for lunch. Should be fun. I love that girl and we always have a good time.

Kyles birthday party was friday. I made him a whole pan of lasagna and bread. I made it to his house around 1030 and we all hung out with his sister and his brother and a few friends drinking a little then we decided to hit the clubs. We went to wesport and ended up at the riot room. By that point he was pretty drunk. He is a GREAT dancer and his friend grant was an even better one. We spent most the night dancing pretty close. He was very smiley and happy. At one point he told me he wasn't feeling well so we sat down and i got him some water and we just waited until he felt better. He kept putting his hand around my waist and being cuddly which honestly wasn't that bad. After he was feeling better i went back to the dance floor and danced with grant and ben and andrew (kyles room mate)

I realized we lost kyle for a while (which was  a big deal cuz i was driving and he was very drunk) and so i had to look around for him. I found him hitting on some chick at the bar. lol its so funny to be in limbo with this guy because im like "yay kyle is hitting on someone, maybe he will get her # etc but then at the same time im like ...oh man...this makes me a little jealous" but its my fault. he asked me out and i said no, he wanted to cuddle and i maintained my distance. I have chosen to friendzone him and in the process made me confused. After a while he got feeling sick again so it was about 2:45 so i was like lets go home.... so kyle wraps his arm around my waist and i put mine around his and we all stumble back to my car.Then me, ben, kyle, grant and andrew all piled in my car and headed back to kyles place. We all listened to the beetles and sung real loud on the way back. After we got back i was super flipping tired. I decided we should leave so i can get some sleep. Kyle asked me if i wanted to stay but i was like "i have work tomorrow sorry" and made excuses. He hugged me real big and then me and ben left. I crashed and woke up to a text saying my lasagna was great and thanks for everything. This boy is most likely as confused as i am. lol

Im not going to say this ACTUALLY makes a difference or shows people care but its still nice to see people do care.....I updated my status on getting a 4.0 and 22 people have liked it in the 11 hours its been up. Also back when i had the break up 50 people commented on my note and wrote me encouraging notes. People always like my photos, etc. This isn't just via fb either. Lots of people spend the time talking to me and asking me what i think and everytime i tell people on campus im "confused with a problem, or didn't do well in a class" they seem shocked they must all think im a genius because they always say well "your so smart"

at least im giving out the vibe that im awesome. My point in typing this is im FAR prettier, FAR more intelligent and awesome than i give myself credit for and other people shouldn't have to affirm this for me. I should know it. AND the more i love me the more other people seem to love me.


Just hang in there. Im headed on the right path.

Im talking to this awesome guy named Matt. He seems pretty cool. He graduated with a criminal justice degree, he is 24. He is blonde. :)

As of about 20 min ago my grades posted as a 4.0 for the semester. Im fucking ecstatic. As a present to my self i buying purple doc martens.

I met up with Kyle yesterday. He invited me to go sing karaoke with him at the bar and ben tagged along too. Kyle was really good and everybody clapped for him!

He also likes me im almost 99% sure. I was too drunk to drive afterward so we all went to Ihop sat around and played apples to apples. His bday party is this Friday so im making him lasagna (yes i know...lol) and we are going to party it up like its the end of the world.

Hopefully i can just crash at his place so i don't have to worry about driving.


I would like to say i had this HUGE crush on my physics lab teacher since i set eyes on him. He was tall, long hair, super smart, kind of sarcastic, very very geeky. But super logical. I find that usually i am very attracted to logical guys but i honestly hate that part of them. Logical thinking pisses me off. Sometimes, no 99% of the time logic is cold and leaves no room for grey areas which is where all my ideals, all my love and reason for believing in life and people exists. I only bring this up because thats something i still struggle with...figuring out why i like the people i do.  Also i have avoided messaging a lot of guys on okcupid becasue they say in their profile question they don't think overweight chicks are hot but then 3 of them messaged me this week. I have 2 full body shots so they know how big i am...maybe just maybe im considered normalish. We can only hope.

Well Goodnight world.

Met Rachel today. I have a good feeling about her. She is more vocal than Emily was and she gives her opinions more. 

Belly dancing class starts on June 24th. Im excited. Until then i think i will look into guitar or piano lessons. Violin would be fun but i think its too hard. IDK. i need to reflect on what instrument i want to learn tho i would love to take voice lessons too.

I really want to look today. I can't tho. Practicing good self control makes me proud. I need to continue that. Work today. Off at 11 and i plan to possibly go to my friend Laurie's 21st bday party.